2022 Year in Review

Not gonna lie; 2022 was not a good year. Good things happened, maybe – but overall, it was hard.

January – I got news that my team would be transferring from supporting the contact center within the center to a corporate role, adding support to new departments. This was a great opportunity for more visibility and furthering my 20-year plan (now 9 years into it), but it also meant leaving the best boss I’ve ever had. The results have been mixed.

February – It was time to plan my travel for the year. I’d tentatively planned to spend 6 months or so dipping in and out of Eastern Canada to work on my list of PTSBID. Instead, I got a call from my youngest sister, not unusual we chat frequently, but in the course of it she said Mom was really not doing well and last time she’d seen her see just “looked so small”. Of course, that prompted me to change everything and just plan to go home until the end.

March – March is always a month of errands. I renew everything – storage unit, po box, car registration, etc., go to all the doctors, and finalize lodging. My niece got married and had the most beautiful dress I’ve seen in a long time. What I learned over the next few months is that she is a fashion icon. I love her style.

April – I spent 4 days driving to Utah. Quarantined, and then visited my mom. The last time I’d seen her was the previous December (December 4, 2021, in fact), and it was a day where she didn’t know who anyone was and even who she was. I cried all the way to New Mexico. I missed her two last really good days – when her Christmas decorations were set up in 2021 and her 75^th birthday just a few weeks before. She was still Mom, but she didn’t recognize me (although she knew she had family visiting from Texas), and she wasn’t making a whole lot of sense. My first grandnephew was blessed during this time as well. I sat with Mom so Dad could be there for this special occasion. His first great-grandson.

May/June – I tried to see my mom every weekend during this time. She was various levels of confused. I could tell she knew what she wanted to say but couldn’t say it. She’d use words that she read, or numbers in sentences and it broke my heart. I told her repeatedly how much I loved her. During this time, she was also seeing people who weren’t there. I told her quietly that when her son came for her – she could go with him. I’d be okay. Her family would miss her, but we would all be okay. We had an appointment with her doctor (virtually) at the beginning of May. We talked about starting home health care so Mom and Dad could get extra support.

On Memorial Day, Mom felt up to going to visit the cemetery. I drove down and getting her into the car was an adventure. But again, it was nice to see the family and to be able to participate in other family tradition one last time. It was a rainy, drizzly day, but we got to see some extended family at the Bountiful Cemetery, got a surprise facetime from my niece in Missouri, and I got some nice pictures of Mom.

One Saturday, I showed up after a couple of difficult days. I insisted that my dad get out of the house for a little while. That day on my own with my mom was one of the best and worst days I had with her. I started with playing Christmas music (her favorite!) and talking about childhood memories. She was the clearest during this conversation than I’d seen her in a long time. Later, she had an incident and did not want to cooperate. I got it taken care of, but we both ended up in tears. I cried all the way home.

The next week, COVID finally found me. I was totally in denial for the first few days (and also testing negative). Wednesday evening, I felt like I was getting sick and by Thursday morning I was super sick. It felt like really bad cold/flu. I tested negative and worked both Thursday and Friday. On Friday, in every conference call someone would ask, “Are you ok? You don’t sound well.” My response was always, “No, I’m very, very sick.”

Finally on Saturday morning, I tested positive with a home test. Again, denial. That test had sat in a cold mailbox for a couple of day, which can reduce effectiveness. My company still offered COVID PTO days during this time but required a lab test – so I made an appointment and did a drive-through test.

On Sunday, I was emailed the positive result. I ended up taking the next 2 or 3 days off and put myself on a pretty strict regimen of cold/flu medicines to mitigate the symptoms. Then I slept, coughed, repeatedly testing my oxygen levels, used so much Kleenex, and just was sick. I lost my taste and smell – which was the weirdest thing. I was in a split-level Airbnb and every day I would Door Dash tomato basil soup from somewhere and that was pretty much all I ate. Walking down the 5 steps to the front door to pick up my order (after the driver was totally gone, obviously) nearly knocked me out every time.  

I thoroughly cleaned and sanitized that Airbnb when I left; I also left 2 days earlier than scheduled so the place could just sit. I didn’t want to accidentally infect someone else who came to turn it over or the next guest. That effort was a lot. Now, it’s a blur and I feel like all I remember was sitting on the stairs, trying not to cry because crying leads to coughing.

My next move was to Pocatello. It was close enough to come down every few weekends, but not in the crazy Airbnb market that is Utah. I hadn’t tested negative yet but was feeling better. At least until I got to Pocatello and unloaded my car. That was maybe overdoing it. I was back to being very sick for a few days after. The next week I finally tested negative. During this time, I prayed a lot that the last time I saw Mom wouldn’t be the last time I saw my mom.

July – I came down for Independence Day weekend. It was nice to be able to see the whole family. Most of my nubbins were able to come by for at least part of the day.

Things were getting serious with my mom. She was now on hospice, and the decline was noticeable each time I saw her.

We lost her on July 21^st. The thing I will remember most about that week is the range of emotions all packed into one. I was struck most by how beautiful and peaceful her death had been. How much she would’ve loved having her family gathered. How joyous her reunion on the other side of the veil must have been. Her son, her parents, generations of loved ones waiting to welcome her. I was sad; I still am – I miss her terribly, but also how “good” her death was and how I would wish it on everyone.

August – Mom’s visitation was Monday, August 1^st. I was feeling pretty numb during this time. Given how much I cry on a regular basis I definitely expected more tears than I shed. It was actually a great experience. I loved seeing family and friends that I haven’t seen in years. I I loved hearing others talk about how great my mom is. It was sad, to be sure, but it was also joyful.

Her funeral was August 2, 2022. It was beautiful. Exactly what she would’ve wanted. As we left the cemetery one of my nieces commented that she didn’t want to leave – that we couldn’t leave Grandma there by herself, all alone. All I could say is, “She isn’t here anymore, not really. She’s coming with us. Do you think she’d miss a good funeral lunch?”

I took the rest of the week off work and spent time with the family. We cleaned out Mom’s closet, went through her jewelry, and just hung out.

September – This month was especially hard. I was there in that house only because my mom was dying. And now I was stuck. That cute little house on Gray Ave could never be anything else than the place I stayed while Mom was dying. No happy memories there. I was glad to leave in mid-October.

October – In mid-October I started back. I decided to stop in St Louis to visit my niece, but because it was a drive all weekend and work all week situation it took a while. My first stop was overnight in Cheyenne, WY. From there I drove to Nowheresville, NE. This little town in Nebraska reminded me of my hometown while I was growing up. Kind of stuck in time.

Next stop was Kansas City, for some good BBQ.

November – I rolled into St. Louis on my birthday. I wasn’t exactly sure where my niece would be, so this part of the plan had some contingencies built in. She’d been transferred to IL, so I drove about 3 hours to spend a few days in her area.

I went to church on Sunday and got to visit with her a little. I gave her a little frame of flowers from Grandma’s funeral to have with her, and we made plans to meet for dinner the next day. She suggested a burger place that was really good. It was so good to get to see and spend time with her.

Back to St Louis for a few days, and then off to Little Rock, AR. I was in Little Rock over Thanksgiving. I’d made a restaurant reservation to have a traditional dinner, but when I went to leave my car wouldn’t start. Dead Battery. It was raining really hard and despite the hotel clerk helping me out and offering to jump start, I was leery about leaving and having my car not start again. So instead, I had a sad Thanksgiving of random stuff from the hotel market. The next day, I called AAA, and they came to replace my battery. The AAA Tech said he didn’t think I needed a new battery, that the rapid temperature changes over the last few days had probably just drained the battery. He jumpstarted it and told me to drive around for an hour or so and it should be fine. So far, it has been. (Although, I bought a little portable jump starter to keep in my car going forward so I don’t get stranded somewhere.)

From Little Rock I drove to back to TX, Tyler to be specific. I stayed at a questionable little Airbnb with the scariest heating system I’ve ever seen. It had this weird open flame mounted to a wall with a gas line situation that scared me to death. Luckily, I didn’t die in a gas explosion so…. Win.

December – back to College Station. It’s good to be home. I decided this year I would do several advent calendars so I could have a little surprise gift every day. I did a wine advent, Godiva chocolate, Walker’s shortbread, and Sugarfina. I’d also bought a Sugarfina sampler that also had 24 types of candy, so I counted it and had two Sugarfina treats. December was hard. I missed Mom so much and so many things reminded me of her. I typically don’t do a “big” Christmas – or any holiday really – and this year was no different. But literally everything reminded me of Mom. I gave in to grief and her memory by buying a poinsettia and gave in to nostalgia and bought a bubble light night light that reminds me of the ones the Barkers used to have on their tree.

I rang in the new year watching something. I can’t even remember – and I was up past midnight, because I am every day, but I didn’t watch any NYE celebrations or the ball drop. I didn’t cross anything off the PTSBID list or vacation anywhere. Hoping for a better 2023.