Goodbye

It is still a great day to be alive, but since Friday everyday has been increasingly difficult and increasingly more appreciated...

Friday afternoon a co-worker approached me and said, “I don’t know if it is my place to tell you, but I just got a message from Margaret and B found Drew in the garage. Caoimhe, he killed himself.”

Stunned silence, followed, by “Oh, God.” An absolutely gorgeous, talented, bright 17-year old finally lost his long battle with depression and took his only way out. He is my cousin. Our families have always been close. His father got me my job and his encouragement in a very difficult time helped save me from Drew’s fate.

I began, in earnest, my battle with depression 5 years ago....looking back I certainly displayed symptoms in my teens, but chalked it up to regular teenage angst. 3 years ago, in January 2003 while others were resolving to lose 10 pounds and exercise more, I resolved to end my life.

The thing about despair is that it isn’t sadness; it is nothingness. You cannot adequately describe the absolute lack of anything, everything. There is no sadness, no anger, no hate, no love, no happiness, and no fear in despair. There is nothing, nothing at all. After my decision was made, I set about putting my affairs in order. I gathered my finances, wrote letters to each member of my family, and finally, after months of nothingness, felt something.

But what I felt wasn’t hope, wasn’t fear, wasn’t sadness. What I felt was the absolute rightness of my decision; I felt taking my life was to be a sacrifice. I was sacrificing myself to spare my family any worry, any burden, any sadness I had caused them. I knew, absolutely and without question that this was the best solution for everybody. I felt that God wanted and understood my actions...heart, mind and soul I KNEW this was the right decision. Suicide wasn’t the easy way out; it was the only way out.

It was pure, dumb luck that I didn’t complete my plan. It was the last minute selfishness of wanting to see the nubbins grow up, to make sure they were told how much I loved them. It was a stranger showing up on my porch with encouraging words and comfort from my Father in Heaven. Maybe it was so I could explain all this to Drew’s family while they are angry and confused by his actions.

I still struggle with depression. There are still days where everything still seems hopeless and I wonder how much longer I can live like this, but I haven’t again traveled to that dark and terrifying abyss where the only right thing to do is cease to live. I know that if I ever stand on that edge again, I will certainly not come back. I know with the utmost certainty that if I had to fight this battle at 17; I would have lost.

I also know with utmost certainty, that when Drew took that final irrevocable step, legions of angels were there to spare him the final moments of agony, to usher him to the veil where his grandfather would embrace him and lead him to generations of loved ones who will heal his heart and soul. I know that he safe, that he is cared for, that he is loved. I know that he will not be judged on that last desperate act, that he will be healed and forgiven, that I will see him and embrace him again...and we will both be whole.

Rest in peace, Drew. You are loved, you are missed, and you are understood.